MORE INNOCENT QUESTIONS! TARGET LOCK: DEMOCRACY! INNOCENT QUESTION #300301: If our own senses are no longer to be trusted, and the Cheney/Dubya administration isn't as enthralled to corporate interests as it appears to be, then why have 150 of the nation's top corporate leaders taken it upon themselves to put together an invitation-only communications network that would immediately alert them and put them in contact with the highest levels of government in case of another terrorist attack? What's that? You hadn't heard? Well then, allow yer old pal Jerky to fill you in... CEO Link, as designed by AT&T, is currently in effect, and it puts executives from such civic-minded, government-contract-dependant corporations as Bethlehem Steel, Lockheed Martin, UPS, Ingersoll-Rand and Citigroup in immediate contact with the executive branch. How is this not indicative of a move towards oligarchy? Or, more specifically, plutocracy? The current stock answer - that CEO Link "reflects the deep sense of commitment and patriotism and concern and obligation that everyone feels to make a difference," rings rather hollow in yer old pal Jerky's ears, and he assumes it will probably have to be revised soon. We here at the Daily Dirt await said revision with baited (wormy?) breath. *** *** *** INNOCENT QUESTION #300302: Are the Georgia Guidestones merely some annonymous eccentric millionaire's permanent, granite version of The Sunscreen Song? Or are they a point-by-point unveiling of the Globalist Illuminati's plans to wipe out nine-tenths of the Earth's population, replace Christianity with a New Age Religion, and English with Esperanto? And are these people right to be so deathly terrified of them? INNOCENT QUESTION #300303: According to the New York Times, Dick has been on the Shadow Government short-list since the early 80's. Is yer old pal Jerky the only one who finds it highly suspicious that, after spending the better part of two decades working on extra-constitutional plans for a Secret Shadow Government, Dick Cheney would all of a sudden find himself heading up exactly that - for the first time in US history - less than ten months and two heart attacks after being handed the White House by his Supreme Court golfing buddies? *** *** *** UPDATES! The last time we did one of these Innocent Question editions of the Daily Dirt, we wondered what might happen if the FBI investigation of the anthrax assassination attempts against prominent Democratic politicians pointed towards an inside job. Well, as it turns out, a high-level inside job is exactly what the evidence indicates, so we now have the answer to our question: Essentially, they are laying the groundwork to pin this mess on some "brilliant loner" who, we're supposed to believe, was able acheive greater strides with his home-brew bio-terror kit than either the Pentagon or the CIA have been able to, despite the decades and untold millions both have spent on anthrax research. I suppose this update only ends up leading us to another question: How fucking STUPID do they think we are, exactly?!

ON THIS DAY April 11 On this day in 1979 - after eight years during which he banished sixty thousand Asian immigrants, slaughtered three hundred thousand of his countrymen in a genocidal ethnic cleansing campaign, started a number of minor wars with neighboring countries, plunged his nation into total economic ruin and severely destabilized a part of the African continent that was, until his arrival, developing nicely - murderous dictator Idi Amin beats a hasty retreat from Uganda's capital city of Kampala, with Tanzanian troops and the domestic militias hot on his tail. Currently living the sweet life in Saudi Arabia, Amin was basically a fat, black Hitler with a taste for human flesh.

QUOTES! "Contrary to what many Europeans think, the problem with American power is not that it is American. The problem is simply the power. It would be dangerous even for an archangel to wield so much power. The writers of the American Constitution wisely determined that no single locus of power, however benign, should predominate; for even the best could be led into temptation. Every power should therefore be checked by at least one other. That also applies in world politics." - From European Timothy Garton Ash's op-ed piece in the New York Times, entitled The Peril of Too Much Power. *** *** *** "The Digital Millenium Copyright Act is about to kill Internet radio! As of May 21st you will have to stop listening to great stations like SomaFM and start listening to crap from the likes of Clear Channel, unless you contact your senators and congressmen and say things like this." - The above was stolen verbatim from www.memepool.com, which is an awesome website you should check out.

JOKES Today's first joke was sent in by our new pal Will Jones... This guy and this girl have been married for about 25 years and there sex just wasent happening anymore. One day this girl decided to take a trip down town and as she was walking she came across a lingerie shop. So she walked in there a noticed that there were crotchless panties on for sale. She thought to herself " maybe these will spice it up a bit" So she bought a pair and went home. She decided to sit on the couch with nothing but these crotchless panties on and wait for her husband. She heard the jingling of keys in the door so she spread her legs. Her husband walked in and saw her. She asks him how his day was. He said "fine" She asks him " so do you want some of this" He replies: "Not if that what it does to your panties." *** *** *** Today's second joke was sent in by our old pal Sundy... Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny. The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece. The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about." WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's worst jokes were sent in by Antonio Arauco. Brother and sister having sex together the sister says "You´re better and bigger than dad" her brother says "yeah, I know, mom told me already"

JERKY KNOWS! Relationship troubles? Philosophical quandaries? Nagging doubts about your spouse? Jerky knows the answer! Send your letter to the feedback address at the bottom of the page: Jerky, I met this woman at a party, and we hit it off. I later found out that she is obsessive/compulsive/bi-polar, and a few others. And she thinks I'm Satan. How do I break up with this chick, nicely? Signed: RC You're doing the right thing by dumping her, believe me. Unfortunately, there are only three ways to successfully break up with an obsessive/compulsive/bi-polar/schizophrenic freakazoid, RC. And none of them is pleasant. First, you can always just disapear. Move, and don't tell anybody where to. Get your telephone number delisted. Legally change your name to something innocuous, like Steve Smith or Jay Jonah Jameson. Have extensive reconstructive facial surgery. If you don't have enough money to do this, simply call up the Witness Protection Agency and tell them you have insider information on local organized crime figures, and that you'd be willing to testify against them in court. Make stuff up and reap the rewards. Next, there's the Chicago Way. If she comes at you with three personalities, you come at her with seven! If she carves a swastika into her arm, you get a tiger-stripe tattoo covering your entire face! Gobble a lot of drugs to make yourself crazier than she is, then watch the little drama-queen poseur back away from your authentic, raging psychosis. This works about half the time. Finally, there's yer old pal Jerky's favorite: involuntary commitment! Get a couple of doctor's signatures, then have the nice men with the white coats and the butterfly nets come by to pick up the package. It should be noted that this option comes with the potential added bonus of conjugal visits, depending on just exactly how nuts she really is. Happy break-up! YOPJ

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. Today’s Topic: SPECIAL BROWNIES! Care of: a bunch of idiots. A father of some teenage children had the family rule that they could not attend "R" rated movies. His three teens wanted to see a particular popular movie that was playing at local theaters. It was rated "R." The teens interviewed friends and even some members of their family's church to find out what was offensive in the movie. The teens made a list of pros and cons about the movie to use to convince their dad that they should be allowed to see it. The con's were that it contained ONLY 3 swear words, the ONLY violence was a building exploding (and you see that on TV all the time they said), and you actually did not "see" the couple in the movie having sex, it was just implied sex, off camera. The pros were that it was a popular movie - a blockbuster. Everyone was seeing it. If the teens saw the movie then they would not feel left out when their friends discussed it. The movie contained a good story and plot. It had some great adventure and suspense in it. There were some fantastic special effects in this movie. The movie's stars were some of the most talented actors in Hollywood. It probably would be nominated for several awards. Many of the members of their Christian church had even seen the movie and said it wasn't "very bad." Therefore, since there were more pros than cons, the teens said they were asking their father to reconsider his position on just this one movie and let them have permission to go see it. The father looked at the list and thought for a few minutes. He said he could tell his children had spent some time and thought on this request. He asked if he could have a day to think about before making his decision. The teens were thrilled thinking; "Now we've got him! Our argument is too good! Dad can't turn us down!" So, they happily agreed to let him have a day to think about their request. The next evening the father called his three teenagers, who were smiling smugly, into the living room. There on the coffee table he had a plate of brownies. The teens were puzzled. The father told his children he had thought about their request and had decided that if they would eat a brownie then he would let them go to the movie. But just like the movie, the brownies had pros and cons. The pros were that they were made with the finest chocolate and other good ingredients. They had the added special effect of yummy walnuts in them. The brownies were moist and fresh with wonderful chocolate frosting on top. He had made these fantastic brownies using an award-winning recipe. And best of all, the brownies had been made lovingly by the hand of their own father. The brownies only had one con. He had included a little bit of a special ingredient. The brownies also contained just a little bit of dog Poop. But he had mixed the dough well - they probably would not even be able to taste the dog poop! And he had baked it at 350 degrees so any bacteria or germs from the dog poop had probably been destroyed. Therefore, if any of his children could stand to eat the brownies which included just a "little bit of crap" and not be affected by it, then he knew they would also be able to see the movie with "just a little bit of smut" and not be affected. Of course, none of the teens would eat the brownies and the smug smiles had left their faces. Only Dad was smiling smugly as they left the room. Now, when his teenagers ask permission to do something he is opposed to, the father just asks, "Would you like me to whip up a batch of my special brownies?" Author Unknown [Yer old pal Jerky senses that the author of the above jeremiad is suffering from multiple personality disorders, most likely stemming from a combination of life-long emotional starvation and a series of traumas - perhaps of the blunt variety - inflicted during those all-important formative years, most likely during the anal stage of development as delineated by Sigmund Frued. - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com