DUBAI PORTS DEAL OVERVIEW/POST-MORTEM ABU-DHABI TO-DO! Ever since Dubai's totalitarian emirs did The Powers That Be a face-saving favor by pulling out of their proposed acquisition of the British ports management firm P&O - which would have given them control of between six and twenty-two American port facilities, depending on who you believe -- yer old pal Jerky's been wondering whether Preznit Dubya has noticed any blood on the hundred dollar bills he uses to wipe the fecal remnants from his pooched-out bunghole after evacuating his bowels into the White House toilet. It's a well established fact, after all, that fast, angry pull-outs can have extremely deleterious effects on such sensitive anatomical regions, especially when performed without the benefit of lubrication. But I digress. The purpose behind this edition of the Daily Dirt is not to indulge in my pathetic rectal revenge fantasias, but to list some of the fucked up facts surrounding the now hopefully defunct Dubai Ports World deal before the whole sorry mess disappears completely down the Memory Hole. There's a lot about this complicated and procedurally opaque incident that remains mysterious to the lay observer, including yours truly. Many people whose opinions I respect hold many differing views about what happened, exactly, and what it all means. Some think it's just another instance of this administration's massive incompetence and cronyism run amok. Others believe it was a smoke-screen purposely thrown up to distract from even bigger government crimes. An optimistic handful are of the opinion that public outrage has, for once, cut off the next New Pearl Harbor false flag terrorist attack at the pass. Personally, I haven't got the foggiest. These triple-blind business shell games are truly beyond my ability to comprehend. Fortunately, this chapter in the Bush Saga includes some pretty cut-and-dried irony, hypocrisy and mind-blowing criminality, which all happen to be the Dirt's stock in trade. Here are a few of these elements, henceforth digitally preserved in our pages, if only for posterity's sake: Lending credence to those who believe this whole kafuffle was a distraction cooked up by Karl Rove, the incident that firmly focused public attention on the deal was probably Dubya flying into a rage on Air Force One, threatening to use his first ever veto to stop any attempt to scuttle it. Subsequent attempts to claim that the Preznit didn't know anything about the deal before his freak-out fell flat for this reason. It seemed obvious that he was taking it personally. Despite disgraced Homeland Security Chief Michael Chertoff's assurances of super-secret hyper-vigilance on the feds' part -- and despite the United Arab Emirates' less than stellar record on human rights and their dealings with the terrorists in their midst -- the mandatory 45 day National Security review by the Committee on Foreign Investment in the United States (CFIUS) was never conducted. Why not? Who knows. Maybe they had a coupon or something. Oops! You can scratch off my coupon hypothesis. Turns out the UAE had a secret sweetheart deal with the White House! One of the more humorous snafus in the early days of this debacle was when White House press flack Simple Scotty McClelland told clamoring journos that the CFIUS board had unamimously approved the deal. Unfortunately for Scotty, that very same day, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld -- who sits on the board in question -- claimed total ignorance about the Dubai deal. And the award for Most Fucked Up Dubai Deal Factoid goes to this story, which details how the CIA was told to stand down from a planned attack on Osama bin Laden because he was hosting a contingent of UAE royals at the time! If you've ever wondered what kind of payback a one million dollar donation to the Bush Library Foundation might get you, wonder no more! The answer is: a mighty good chance at a sweet deal, indeed. Kinda makes you wonder if Sheik Zayed Bin Sultan al Nahyan has demanded a refund, yet? Yer old pal Jerky thought Homeland Security Chief Michael Chertoff showed admirably honesty and self-awareness when he admitted that America would probably be a whole lot safer with Dubai in charge of her ports. Then I realized that I had mistaken irony for honesty. That's been happening to me a lot, lately. "Conflict of Interest", thy name is Treasury Secretary and one time CSX CEO, John Snow! Or is it freshly-minted Transportation Department Maritime Administrator (and former CSX and Dubai Ports World official) David Sanborn? Or maybe it's Bush Crime Family consigliere James Baker III! That one's always a safe bet. Anyhoo, read the links and you'll get the picture. If you enjoy chutzpah, the Dubai Ports Deal debacle had it in spades! Particularly flagrant was the attempt by White House (and many of its parrots in the right-wing gutter press) to paint anybody who didn't share their enthusiasm for handing over American ports to a totalitarian Arab monarchy as evil, nasty RACISTS! This, from the very same war criminals who shamelessly capitalized on the legendary American ignorance of geography by using the terrorist attacks of 9/11 as a pretext for invading and occupying Iraq. Doesn't the fact that none of these monsters have been struck by lightning pretty much disprove the existance of God? So, now that Dubai is out of the picture, who will step in to fill the breach? So far, the front runners appear to be (wait for it) Halliburton, and (JESUS FUCKING NAILHOLES!!!) the Carlyle Group. Maybe Chertoff wasn't being ironic, after all. If I missed anything, kindly send me an e-mail and I'll update this list in future Dirts. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go throw up. Cheers! Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com

ON THIS DAY March 23 Some Very Important People who kicked the bucket on this day… Dr Barney Clark, the very first artificial heart recipient, dies in 1983 after surviving 112 days! Also, on this day in 1985, the Singing Nun and her lesbian lover die after they wash down gorilla-doses of barbiturates with vodka! And finally, on this day in 1986, Dominic Bellissimo -- creator of the buffalo-style chicken wing -- dies at 68! Happy Deathday you crazy kids! On this day in 1775, revolutionary patriot Patrick Henry proclaims: "Give me liberty or give me death!" In the end, he got both. On this day in 1972, in Vegas, the great Evel Knievel -- the Elvis of Idiots -- successfully jumps over an incredible thirty-five automobiles on his motorcycle, then breaks an incredible ninety-three bones when his rear tire clips the thirty-sixth. On this day in 1973, Japanese "artist" Yoko Ono is granted permanent residence in United States of America. It would take nearly 20 years for the INS to fuck up that badly again. On this day in 1989, two scientists in Utah claim to have produced "cold fusion." They are never heard from again. Howard Stern announces he will run for the New York Governorship on this day in 1994. He quits, however, upon discovering details of his financial situation would have to be made public. Since then, he's worked his political mojo in other ways...

THEY SAID IT! "They want to sentence me to death and I accept it, but I am not a deserter and not an infidel. I am a Christian, which means I believe in the Trinity." - Abdul Rahman is currently on trial for apostasy and facing execution for converting to Christianity (two decades ago!) in the freshly freedomized batshit-crazy Islamic fundamentalist hellpit nation of Afghanistan. Kinda makes the Founding Fathers seem pretty smart to have included a wall of separation between Church and State in the Constitution, doesn't it? *** **** *** "For 30 years, we have fought religious wars in this country and there is no way we are going to allow an Afghan to insult us by becoming Christian. This has brought so much shame." - Mohammed Jan, 38, who lives opposite Rahman's father, illustrates perfectly why liberating Afghanistan was a waste of everyone's time and blood. Better we should have turned it into an ashtray. Seriously. I mean, at least Iraq had SOME sane people before Dubya demolished it. Afghanistan was hopeless from the word go.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by Nasir! As an instructor in driver education at the local area High School, I've learned that even the brightest students can become flustered behind the wheel. One day I had three beginners in the car, each scheduled to drive for 30 minutes. When the first student completed his time, I asked him to change places with one of the others. Gripping the wheel tightly and staring straight ahead, he asked in a shaky voice, "Should I stop the car first?" *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Hunley for sending in today's second joke. The two teenage girls were driving around town. One of the friends turned to the other and said, "So, what did your old man say when you told him you were pregnant?" "You want me to leave out the profanities?" "Yeah, sure." "Nothing." WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's groaner was sent in by D. Sunder... After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him, "How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy." He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his wife, Lizzy, didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it. Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly bitch he's runnin' around with."

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: IT'S GOOD NEWS WEEEEEEK! care of: Keith MOPJ, Almost daily on right-wing radio and even on NPR I hear so-called experts from the military whining about the horrible injustices carried out by our "Liberal Press". You know... the news. The very nature of news is that most of it it going to be "bad" to most people because day-to-day life is mostly "good" and, therefore, is not news. I heard a man on NPR identified as an Army officer with several tours in Iraq behind him. He went on and on about all the 'good' stuff happening in Iraq such as the fact (his word) that we and the Coalition of the Coerced have built over 700 schools there. {Red Herring Alert} #1. Doesn't every civilized nation on Earth build schools? #2. Didn't WE knock some of them down ourselves with Smart Bombs(tm)? #3. You mean to tell me that the 130,000 or so troops over there are all proficient at school construction... #4. Or are we paying Halliburton enormous amounts of tax dollars to do it? #5. Are these one-room affairs or something on the order of Harvard (just wondering)? #6. Why the fuck aren't we building schools (and hospitals and houses...) in the ravaged Gulf Coast? This guy also said that only 2 of the 21 Iraqi states are experiencing violence. Hello! During WWII, well over 99% of the world didn't experience combat! And did the conservatives shriek, "Liberal Press" when the papers reported that only 6 of 767 men in the 4th Rangers and 15th Infantry of the Fifth Army returned from battle with the Herrmann Goering Tank Division after the Anzio landing in 1944? Baaad news. They should have reported that some GI's gave Italian kids Hershey bars. Then there was a so-called "general" (I doubt it) on Limbaugh's show who repeatedly referred to something called "shrap-metal" which I'm sure was supposed to be "shrapnel" (invented by Lt Henry Shrapnel in 1803- Google that). He was a fraud, I'm sure. He tried to imply that our GI's are well protected. LOL. So, Jerky, just who are these people desperately trying to put a smiley-face on this, the most hideous political decision since Viet Nam?? YOP, Keith [Who? Increasingly desperate -- and thus dangerous -- people. That's who. - Jerky] FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY! Hi Jerkster, Regarding those 11 Laws from the Soapbox two Dirts ago... Number 7 was the story of the first half of my life and number 5 has been the story of the second half. As for Jerky's Law, I wouldn't touch that with a barge pole! The Old Fart [Me neither, bro. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Jerky; Here is a primer on real life compared to the internet. Enjoy! YOP Mickster [I did. Good find! - Jerky] *** **** *** OPJ, a pair of high-fives to you for your splendid recommendation for greeting compassionate conservatism with compassionate conservatism. Since the Supreme Court has recently validated both the right of Southerners to shoot unarmed people for no greater offense than walking on their lawn, AND the right of guys who've never once gotten laid to run up to the doors of abortion clinics and scream obscenities in the face of scared teenage girls whom they'd never have stood a chance with, the obvious response of Southern abortion clinics should be to shoot any protesters who step foot on their property. This approach should be one hundred percent acceptable to Republicans. ACD [I sincerely hope this idea catches on. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey now Jerky, Fox news isn't so bad! Why, there's nothing better than getting up first thing in the morning and having a panoramic view of all the smart-ass remark fodder while drinking my Earl Grey. On a side note, Fox5 DC's anchors have ceased calling the Chimpster "President" opting instead for the ignominious "Mr." Could it be there's still hope for this one Fox network affiliate? Johsorah [Maybe. But probably not. - Jerky] *** **** *** Wow! Keith Olbermann, in the Countdown segment of his MSNBC show this evening (3/22/06, 11:10pm Central), just referred to Laura Ingraham (conservative radio shill) as "desperate and stupid." In the same segment, he referred to her on-air interview with Bill O'Reilly as "her exchange with Ted Baxter." I love this guy! An Old Marine, Smyrna TN [Then you'll love CrooksandLiars.com, a website that regularly features clips from Olbermann's program. - Jerky] *** **** *** O.K. Jerky... Your reply didn't have to be so rude did it??? I looked up iota using the online dictionary link that you so thoughtfully provided for me... and it defines iota as a tiny, scarcely detectable amount, a little bigger than a whit or a shred, but somewhat smaller than a whit or a tittle, kinda in between a smidgen and a smidgeon. But it doesn't say how it compares to a smattering. I thought Jerky knew all????? Exshaw [No harm intended, Exshaw. - Jerky] *** **** *** Dear Jerky... Defining the word 'linger' reminds me of ExShaw request to define 'iota v. smattering' (I thought your response a tad harsh, by the way, because I think exshaw was just pulling your pud). Beating up on sex offenders is a bit like beating up on smokers... it's a win-win situation for politicians. Back in 1992, the last time I had stats on the arrests, I learned that 65% of those accused of child molestation were falsely accused due to messy divorces and the like. You want sole custody of the kids? A sure way to accomplish that goal would be to accuse your ex of fondling one of the kids. What's my point? We define our laws based on the outrage we feel over "stranger" abductions. But stranger abductions are the exceptions rather that the rule when it comes to child molestation. It's time we recognized that. The odds of somebodies kid being kidnapped from the front of their house by a stranger hell bent on pervertedness are about the same as someone winning the Lotto. The courts and the press should see things for what they are.... rather than how much media attention some crime gets. Cheers, Andy S. [I was just teasing Exshaw, but he didn't see it that way, either. Sheesh. - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com